After a bout of feeling like a second class citizen, worthless, not worth knowing, invisible, and definitely forgettable, I did some EMDR and found Jesus on the beach (my safe place) instead of Bryan. Jesus showed me the ocean and told me that before he formed that water He knew me and the plan He has for me. He said I am the apple of His eye and that even as a small child He was watching over me. He said that time when I almost died at age 2 weeks -- it was the enemy's attempt to take me out because God has a plan for me that the devil wants to thwart. Even then.
He showed me his hands and my name was engraved on both of His palms. Now, that's permanent. He hugged me tight and then sort of melted into me. I could still see His hands in mine (sort of transparent) and they moved where mine moved.
He told me that my tongue is a problem and to watch that.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
September 29, 2011
I am mad!
I'm not sure I know why I'm mad, but I do know I'm mad. So, to try to figure it out -- but more importantly to GET IT OUT I'll write.
At this moment, I feel mad because I haven't had a decent night's sleep in months because Bryan makes noise and "puffs" in my face and snores at times. In the past I would go in the guest room and sleep. That worked ok, but I didn't like be driven out of my own bed while he merrily sleeps on. But, now Sandis lives with us and I have nowhere to go. We don't have a full couch so I really have nowhere to go. I've tried sleeping at the bottom of the bed (my head at the foot) and sleeping on the love seat . It didn't work very well. So, at this point I'm pretty sleep deprived and it makes me very emotional and tired and I just feel stressed -- with no way to make it go away.
I also feel mad because yesterday Sandis said, "All my friends like y'all -- ESPECIALLY Mr. Bryan."
Thanks, Sandis, that feels great. It really triggered my "I'm not important and people don't really like me" stuff. Of course, I felt sad and cried and then it turned into anger. I know Sandis had NO intention of hurting me -- he was just speaking what he thought and felt . . . and that hurts even more.
I'm also mad that Bryan isn't leading like I think he needs to -- especially with Sandis -- yet when I weigh in he gets upset and says that decisions need to be from the top and I'm not the top. Yet, no decisions are being made -- he just lets things happen without much thought as to consequences for us or for Sandis.
I feel like my input doesn't matter and I have to either push to be heard (although Bryan would refute this) or just watch Sandis go down the toilet because Bryan isn't THINKING and making decisions that benefit him. Bryan seems more interested in being Sandis's friend than his dad.
I'm not sure I know why I'm mad, but I do know I'm mad. So, to try to figure it out -- but more importantly to GET IT OUT I'll write.
At this moment, I feel mad because I haven't had a decent night's sleep in months because Bryan makes noise and "puffs" in my face and snores at times. In the past I would go in the guest room and sleep. That worked ok, but I didn't like be driven out of my own bed while he merrily sleeps on. But, now Sandis lives with us and I have nowhere to go. We don't have a full couch so I really have nowhere to go. I've tried sleeping at the bottom of the bed (my head at the foot) and sleeping on the love seat . It didn't work very well. So, at this point I'm pretty sleep deprived and it makes me very emotional and tired and I just feel stressed -- with no way to make it go away.
I also feel mad because yesterday Sandis said, "All my friends like y'all -- ESPECIALLY Mr. Bryan."
Thanks, Sandis, that feels great. It really triggered my "I'm not important and people don't really like me" stuff. Of course, I felt sad and cried and then it turned into anger. I know Sandis had NO intention of hurting me -- he was just speaking what he thought and felt . . . and that hurts even more.
I'm also mad that Bryan isn't leading like I think he needs to -- especially with Sandis -- yet when I weigh in he gets upset and says that decisions need to be from the top and I'm not the top. Yet, no decisions are being made -- he just lets things happen without much thought as to consequences for us or for Sandis.
I feel like my input doesn't matter and I have to either push to be heard (although Bryan would refute this) or just watch Sandis go down the toilet because Bryan isn't THINKING and making decisions that benefit him. Bryan seems more interested in being Sandis's friend than his dad.
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